


a black suit to steal your heart

by belldroy101



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Space, Alternate Universe - Star Wars Setting, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, M/M, Minor Character Death, Sexual Content, Star Wars References, Violence, would it be my fic if it didn't have, you don't gotta know sw to read this tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-05 21:14:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12802515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belldroy101/pseuds/belldroy101
Summary: He sees the exact moment that Kihyun realizes, sees his eyes widen in surprise and then narrow into something unreadable. He gently shifts them, and Changkyun bites back a moan at the feeling on his sensitive skin. His pride is dying. It is gone. Dead.Did the great Sith lords of the past have to deal with getting boners for their sworn enemies?(aka the Star Wars AU approximately one and a half people asked for.)





	a black suit to steal your heart

**Author's Note:**

> (title from black suit by super junior)
> 
> hi everyone! you knew i'd come back to writing monsta x eventually, right? and i had to add seokjin and hakyeon in too just because i love them
> 
> i don't think that you need to have a super advanced knowledge of star wars to understand this, so don't let that stop you from giving it a shot. here's some context and vocab if you need it though: 
> 
> padawan=a Jedi's apprentice  
> outer rim planet= basically a planet in the part of the galaxy that is not super populated and is far away from the planets where all the control is. tend to be poorer/more rural/more primative  
> sith= "bad guy" of the star wars universe, they basically want the end of the republic (think: democracy) and in turn the end of the jedi (think: space peacemakers turned pseudo soldiers during this war). they use the dark side of the force (so the force but with less moral integrity) to get what they want. 
> 
> the war i'm referring to is the clone wars, which takes place BEFORE luke and leia, the Clone Wars were fought to prevent thousands of planetary systems from seceding from the Republic and forming the "Confederacy of Independent Systems", often referred to as the Separatists. but actually it's just so the sith can secretly gain power and turn it into a dictatorship.
> 
> also in this kihyun has the gray hair he was rocking during the most recent comeback solely because i said so

Changkyun has not seen his parents for many years. He does not remember them, not even a face or a voice, but he knows he had them; at some point. After all, every human does.

Master Hakyeon says he has not seen them because they are no longer alive, but sometimes he wonders if that's entirely true. Because he feels it, feels something at least, through the force. And he is not sure, but he thinks it's his parents energy. It stays with him, a warm and comforting presence. But he is only nine, so he accepts what Hakyeon says and focuses his attention on training. He is praised for his concentration and his strength with the force, and he smiles when he is able to succeed and Hakyeon's face glows with pride.

He grows up on an outer rim planet that Hakyeon choose far away from civilization, it's a water planet where the only company is the lapping of the waves against silky sand and Changkyun likes to stick his toes in it and feel the cool water invade the holes he creates. Him and Hakyeon spend hours out here, meditating and practicing with sticks because he is not yet ready for a lightsaber. His master is cold and calculating but he is making Changkyun very strong, and for that Changkyun is grateful.

One day, they come across a Jedi floating in the water. Her left side is covered in blaster burns, and her lightsaber dangles in her hand loosely. The robes she is wearing have drifted out and surround her body like angel’s wings. They drag her to shore and discover that she is not dead, but is in fact still breathing faintly; her grip tightening ever so slightly on her weapon.

Changkyun is not sure what species she is but he can see that she is still quite young. Hakyeon had told him the Jedi had to recruit people younger and younger, now that they were out here fighting these wars, and he can see that reflected in this girl.

"Kill her." Hakyeon had said.

Changkyun had hesitated.

"You must kill her Changkyun, because she will kill you. She is a Jedi, she is an agent of all that is destroying our universe. Kill her, and you'll get your first lightsaber. One that is all your own."

_How is it all mine when it was hers first?_

Changkyun does kill her. It's easy, she's already so weak. And he takes her lightsaber in his hand and watches it grow a brilliant green. It feels wrong, that it is green, and he tells his master as much.

"Don't worry, you'll have a red one soon enough." Haykeon chuckles, "but first you must learn how to use this one."

They dispose of the body back into the waters from whence it came, and he watches it float away. He ends up watching the water for much longer after that, and the handle of the stolen weapon grows slick with sweat as he twirls it in his palm absentmindedly. A part of him feels unnerved for some reason, and he is not sure why.

"Changkyun, you did the right thing." Hakyeon says to him later, and Changkyun smiles and nods, "You are going to be a wonderful Sith someday. You will do me proud."

One day, the comforting feeling in his chest leaves. It hits him like a punch to the gut, and it is gone just as quickly. He knows then, that he was correct. And he also knows then, that his parents are dead. He is alone, in this universe and in all of them. All that is left for him is this.

He never tells Hakyeon.

And he learns to use the lightsaber, even though it's the wrong color.

 

* * *

 

He first meets the boy when he is fourteen. Changkyun has been to other worlds by now and met other people and species alike. Hakyeon will take him along on supply runs and point out things along the way. This is why this is wrong, this is how this is incorrect, this is how we're supposed to feel about it; and Changkyun will nod attentively and feel the weight of his concealed lightsaber bump against his hip. A constant promise. A constant reminder.

They are on a desert planet when he first sees him. Amongst the noise and the stink and the chaos of the trade market they are walking through, he sees them. The boy is a little older than he is, and must clearly be used to the heat for his skin is tan and golden from the suns. His hair is a dark gray, and it only serves to make his skin all the more striking. He is walking with an older man, and at first Changkyun thinks that the boy is a slave and that is his owner, but Hakyeon quickly dispels that theory with a hissed, "That's a Jedi and his Padawan." The Jedi is wearing simple robes, but he exudes a godly kind of beauty that makes the passerby all stop and stare as he walks by. He is human, with full lips and high cheekbones, and he looks very young to have a padawan, but there they are. Coupled with the boy, they are drawing much more attention then he would think the simple and removed Jedi should.

Changkyun stays calm, because that is what Hakyeon has told him to do should he ever come across a Jedi, but his stomach fills with nervous butterflies at the knowledge. He has gotten better with the lightsaber as he's gotten older, and now he may have the opportunity to aid his master more in the fight against the Republic. They follow the Jedi and his trainee through the streets, and Changkyun feels excitement flood his veins. A real life Padawan and Jedi, not like the only one that they had run into when he was a child; she had not counted, she was weak and defenseless. This was going to be different.

The excitement does not last long, for they lose them in the throngs of creatures that are all trying to get to where they want to go. One minute he sees them weaving their way through the mass of bodies, then the next they are gone as though they were never there in the first place. Hakyeon doesn’t speak to him for days after. The anger and frustration at losing such an opportunity resulting in a punishment for Changkyun.

Changkyun doesn’t really mind, he has never been the type to say much anyway. But the boy lingers in his mind, long after he should have left. And Changkyun tries to block him when he mediates, but he can not control his dreams that are full of tan skin and ashy hair.

Some mornings when he wakes he thinks Hakyeon knows of this, but the older man never says a word about it, and the dreams don’t stop.

 

* * *

 

By the time they meet again, Changkyun is seventeen.

At first he thinks he’s dreaming, but this time the boy is older. In his dreams, he is always the same age he was when he saw him the first time. But here he is older yet still so clearly himself that for a moment Changkyun falters, but quickly regains his composure.

He is doing recon before a planned assassination of a senator whose absence (see also: death) will help sway the senate in their favor. It is a formal party of politicians, and he is posing as an aid to a senator that actually does not exist, but that no one will notice in the general social climbing circuit that is wealthy dinner parties. The boy wears formal clothes, and his hair is a little longer but unkempt in a stylish way. He looks like he belongs, and Changkyun is in awe of him. He wants to get closer, so, so badly. Hakyeon will be upset if he finds out, but he can’t help himself. When the boy is alone in a secluded corner, he walks up with a drink in hand as an offering.

The boy shakes his head, “I’m fine, thank you.” His voice is melodic, like a lullaby.

Changkyun lingers, because he doesn’t want to go yet. He is during recon yes, Hakyeon will be happy if he finds out he got information on a Jedi’s happenings. He is doing this for the greater good, yes. He awkwardly mills about in the general vicinity for a few moments.

The boy raises an eyebrow at Changkyun’s obvious attempts to not leave, and he takes the offered glass and gestures it to Changkyun with a blinding smile, “Kihyun.” He introduces simply.

_Kihyun. Kihyun. His name is Kihyun._

“I’m Changkyun.”

Kihyun looks him up and down. Appraising. He feels self conscious underneath the other's gaze.

“You’re a Sith. Or training to be one anyway.”

Deny. Deny. Deny. Abort mission, abort mission, abort mission.

“How do you know?” He blurts out.

_You’re a fucking idiot Changkyun._

“We’ve met before, you tailed me and my master when you were a child, correct?” He does another glance up and down, “Although I suppose you still are a child.”

“So?” He sputters.

“You want to kill me.” Kihyun says, as though he is explaining simple arithmetic to a failing student.

“No, I want the Republic to end.”

“Are those not one in the same?” Kihyun says boredly, draining his drink. “You kill the Republic and you forsake all who live in this world and the next and so forth.”

“You Jedi act so high and mighty, but you’re all the same.” Changkyun hisses defensively, “You claim peace, yet you slaughter all those who disagree.”

“You want to talk about slaughter?” Kihyun laughs, “How did you get that lightsaber underneath that uniform? Because I doubt you made it yourself. How many lives do you take?”

“You’re not better than me.”

“Let me ask you something then Changkyun, what are you doing? Why are you talking to me? Is this a distraction? A ruse? Why not put that hidden lightsaber through my chest before I have a chance to fight back?”

“I….don’t know.”

Kihyun looks at him pityingly, “It’s a shame. You were probably too young to know better. You never even had a chance.”

Changkyun tries to defend himself but Kihyun interjects, “Well, it’s been fun Changkyun. You keep on doing what you do.” He tips his glass back to get the last bit of liquid out. Changkyun watches his throat work as he swallows and clenches his hands into fists at his sides for an indiscernible reason. He watches Kihyun go and doesn’t say anything.

“By the way,” Kihyun calls as he’s leaving, “That senator I assume you’re here to kill? I’m protecting him. I dare you to make a move, I’m itching for some action.”

Changkyun stands in the foyer of a party he does not belong in, completely dumbfounded.

 

* * *

 

They meet again on an inconsequential bartering planet, and now they are fighting a war. Changkyun is nineteen.

Kihyun sees him first this time. Changkyun is hurriedly leaving, his hood up and his strides long, when suddenly someone pounces on him from behind; catching him off guard. This was _supposed_ to be a discreet exit. So much for that.

“What are you doing here?” Kihyun has him pinned up against a wall, he can still hear the sounds of drunken fun and merrymaking from inside the bar, so they haven’t found out yet. Changkyun is a little flustered that out of all the hundreds upon hundreds of planets in this system, Kihyun and him somehow end up on the same one in the same place, again.

“Nothing to do with you.” He replies

“I’m a Jedi, your dealings absolutely have to do with me.” His hands tighten in Changkyun’s robes.

“If you really believed that you would have imprisoned me a long time ago.” He counters, and he sees Kihyun’s eyes narrow.

“If I walk inside that bar, will my contact be dead?”

Changkyun’s lack of response is a response all unto itself. The sounds of drunken merrymaking have turned to sounds of panic. They found the body that Changkyun had hid inside a back closet full of spare glasses.

Kihyun’s face turns to anger, as he puts two and two together for himself. He makes a frustrated noise and slams Changkyun hard against the wall again. Distantly, Changkyun is aware he probably could fight back. But instead he just remains limp against the violent onslaught.

“That person was important to the cause. _Fuck._ Master Seokjin will be upset.” Kihyun is biting his lip in his frustration, and Changkyun can’t stop his eyes from watching.

“That’s why I had to kill him.”

“I wasn’t talking to you.” Kihyun snapped.

It is then, Changkyun realizes with horrifying, mortifying certainty, why he was not fighting back. Why he was just letting this happen as he lays up against a wall on some planet he didn’t care about. He realizes that he is hard. And even worse, there is no way that Kihyun can’t _not_ feel it when he’s this close. He never has the time for sex. That’s why this is happening. That’s why. He has to kill Kihyun now, just so he can pretend that this never happened and there were no witnesses.

He sees the exact moment that Kihyun realizes, sees his eyes widen in surprise and then narrow into something unreadable. He gently shifts them, and Changkyun bites back a moan at the feeling on his sensitive skin. His pride is dying. It is gone. Dead.

_Did the great Sith lords of the past have to deal with getting boners for their sworn enemies?_

“Well, this is interesting.” Kihyun murmurs.

“Just- I’ll leave the planet. Never, ever kill one of your contacts again. As long as you never, ever bring this up to anyone and we never acknowledge it ever.” Changkyun pleads, now moving to get away from this horrific twist of fate. Every time he moves too quick a thigh or a hip brushes his erection and makes him have to stop again. He can feel that his face has turned a deep red, he is on fire with the embarrassment.

He's so caught up in his own turmoil, he had almost forgot that Kihyun was even still there. He was watching him.

“You’re cute when you squirm.” Kihyun said hoarsely, and Changkyun’s stomach swooped with arousal.

_What is he doing?_

“I’m not...misreading this, right?” Kihyun said uncertainly.

Changkyun shakes his head so hard he might have tweaked his neck.

“Good.” Kihyun says, and kisses him. He shoves a thigh in between Changkyun’s legs and Changkyun groans against his mouth. Kihyun loosens his grip on the younger so he is not so much held up against the wall, but is instead just pressed against it.

They have sex for the first time that night, in the same place that hours earlier Changkyun had killed a man that he did not know, because his master had told him to. They were in war, and both Kihyun and Changkyun had gotten much too used to the stains of death to dwell on it for long.

Afterwards, they lay in bed together; their lightsabers are on their respective sides.

“Do you really believe it?” Kihyun whispers, “all the things that man taught you, do you really believe it?”

“I don’t know what I believe.” He says from his resting place on Kihyun’s chest. The older strokes his hair and doesn’t say anything else. Changkyun buries his face in his neck and falls asleep to his steady heartbeat. They go separate ways the next morning.

They don’t talk about it.

 

* * *

 

As he gets older, Hakyeon trusts him more to look after himself while he goes on his own affairs. He’ll come back days later, sometimes enthusiastic and jovial as he dances around the kitchen. Other times sullen and quiet. These meetings and missions he does not speak of to Changkyun, but he knows they’re probably very important from how seriously his master takes them. The Sith lords are making grand movements, he says, and Hakyeon is just trying to support them as best as he can. They are pieces that will be played in the grand destruction of the Republic, is what Hakyeon says. Drunk on his ideals and the words the lords whisper in his ears.

On those days where he is gone, he takes their only transportation with him and Changkyun will sit at home and meditate or practice or a bit of both. There is a town nearby on the planet that they are currently residing on, and it has a little bar that he sometimes will go to. The locals know him as polite and quiet, and he likes to keep it that way.

Sometimes, Kihyun will visit him. Against every single thing about secrecy and confidentiality that Hakyeon has taught him, Changkyun shares his location with Kihyun; after the first time. He never asks what excuses Kihyun makes up to his own master so he’s able to come, but whenever Changkyun sends a transmission he always is there a few hours later. He will fuck Changkyun in one of the back rooms of the bar and Changkyun will hold onto his shoulders and moan with a hand over his mouth because even though his master is not even on the same planet as him he is still deathly afraid of what might occur should he find out.

_It’s all part of the plan master. He tells me Jedi secrets when he fucks my brains out. I swear_

(That’s a lie. They don’t do much talking at all when Kihyun fucks his brains out.)

 

* * *

 

He’s having a nightmare.

That first Jedi is there, but she is alive; fully alive, and talking to him. The blaster burns are not there, and neither are the bruises that his fingers left as he slowly choked the life from her. She is complete and whole; healed.

“Why are you doing this Changkyun?” She says sadly.

Changkyun tries to speak in the dream, but his mouth cannot form any words. Even then, he does not have a good answer for her. It is as though they are stuck, and all he can do is remain frozen and watch her face and he can’t escape it.

“Why are you doing this Changkyun?” She says again, but this time she is yelling. He wants to wake up, wants to close his eyes so he does not have to see her, wants to wake up, has to wake up, like she never got to wake up because he killed her- he _killed_ her and he was _nine and she’s dead because of hi_ -

He wakes up, gasping for air and hands scrabbling for his neck. He is in their favorite back room. Kihyun is not here. He must have left earlier, and he left no note.

 

* * *

 

“Can Sith love?” Kihyun asks quietly. His back is against the wall and his pants are still undone. They are both panting from the residual adrenaline. They’re on a Separatist planet, and everyone outside the building would probably kill Kihyun in an instant if they knew who he was.

_(They all know Changkyun though, Hakyeon’s golden boy. The apprentice who will lead them to victory.)_

“Can Jedi?” He replies.

“You didn’t answer my question, Changkyun.”

“Honestly? I don’t know. A Sith focuses on chaos, on passion, on freedom.” He replies thoughtfully, “And what is more passionate or free or chaotic than loving someone?”

“That’s true.”

“So my question now, can Jedi love?”

“Attachments are...bad. They make you weak. Make you make mistakes. That’s why Jedi are taught not to have them.” Kihyun explains.

“Do you believe that?”

“It makes sense, I mean when you love you have something to lose. That’s a dangerous thing.”

“But that wasn’t the question. It wasn’t is it _good_ to love, it was do you have the capability to.”

“Then, yes I suppose. I don’t think we’re hardwired differently.”

“I think the Jedi are wrong.” Changkyun says.

“Oh really?” Kihyun says sarcastically, “You? A Sith? Thinking the Jedi are wrong? I would never have guessed.”

“I just mean- I don’t think love makes you weak, it makes you strong. After all, you are taught to embrace the force.”

“What does the force have to do with it?”

“Loving someone is as natural and easy as the force. It is a promise from the force itself.”

“You’ve felt that way for someone?”

“It doesn’t matter. I just know it.”

That’s the first night that when he wakes up, he wakes up with an arm around his waist and snoring in his ear. Kihyun is still there, he didn’t leave.

 

* * *

 

Hakyeon dies when Changkyun is twenty one.

 For all his idealism and all his plans, it isn’t anything special. They had been fighting for control of a planet, and a stray blaster bolt had caught him right between the ribs. Hakyeon was a force to be reckoned with when he fought, all grace and effortless motion. So Changkyun had not been looking at him, had trusted him to have it handled, and had instead been using the force to send the Jedi’s clones flying. But he heard when it happened. Hakyeon had not cried out; he would never show weakness like that, but there was still that sharp inhale, that rough exhale, and then even amid the sounds of battle he heard him fall hard to the ground.

Changkyun dragged him away from the fighting to a sheltered enclave not far away. He had listened to the shuddering breaths and seen the color slowly begin to leave Hakyeon’s bronze face and he knew that there was no saving his master. There was no time to get him help.

This would be goodbye.

“You have to-” Hakyeon mumbled, “I have raised you, you must fulfill my mission- you must see the fall of the Republic, Changkyun, do you understand?”

“I do master, I will. I will complete your vision for you.”

“That’s all I needed to hear.” Hakyeon had replied, and like everything he did; calm and controlled, his breathing stopped with his heart.

And it hurt, Hakyeon was the only thing he had known for a long time. He hadn’t expected it to hurt, but it did. For all his faults and all his cruelty, the loss still felt like a loss. 

He didn’t know where to bury him, they never stayed in one place long enough for it to be like home, and he had never said where exactly he was born originially. So Changkyun settled for the planet he had died on, buried him far away from the fighting, from the nameless bodies in shallow graves. He left no marker, but he buried his master’s lightsaber with him. It felt wrong to take it, even though he knew that Hakyeon would have wanted him to.

He didn’t cry.

He sends an anonymous transmission to Kihyun, a simple message with the coordinates of the planet he was on; he knew that Kihyun would know who it was from. To his surprise, Kihyun was there the next day- he must have been fighting a different battle for his clothes were dirty and stained, and he said he couldn’t stay long. Changkyun sat in front of the grave he had dug and stared off into the distance as he spoke to the other.

“I didn’t think you would come.”

“Well- I had some free time. Just a few hours.”

“My master died yesterday.” He admitted, “Took a blaster bolt to the heart in battle.”

He nodded in the direction of the barely visible mound of dirt, “I buried him right there.”

Kihyun stays quiet but he gently takes Changkyun’s hand and gives it a squeeze.

“I just, I thought it was only right. I know, after all the lives he’s taken, it may seem wrong to give him a proper burial but I-” Changkyun pauses, “I guess the truth is I just didn’t want to be alone.”

They don’t have sex that night, but just lay together in the gentle humidity and look up at the sky. Kihyun points out all the planets he can see, and Changkyun listens quietly. Eventually Kihyun turns to him and whispers, “You understand why I can’t mourn him, but I know he was important to you, and I am sorry that his death had to hurt you.”

“Thank you, for saying that.” He whispers back, “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“What is your master like?”

“His name is Seokjin, he was very young when he became a Jedi knight. When I was twelve I started training under him. I’m not his padawan anymore, but we’re still close. We keep in touch.”

“Is he kind? Please tell me about him.” He doesn’t even notice how upset and desperate he sounds, until Kihyun touches his cheek and he sees that when Kihyun pulls his hand away his fingers are wet.

“Yes, when I was young- I would cry sometimes, because I’d miss my parents. Other masters would probably not have comforted me, but Jin would sneak me candies and talk me through it. He was very kind, I’m grateful I trained under him.”

“He seems like a good person.” Changkyun says quietly.

“He is.” Kihyun wipes away more of his tears. He does not mention that Changkyun is crying, and for that Changkyun is thankful.

“I remember when I saw him the first time, every person was turning to catch a glimpse of him in that market, he’s very alluring to see.”

“Oh yeah,” Kihyun says wryly, “trust me I know. Jedi are not supposed to get caught up in vanity, but Seokjin could not go a day without reminding me of his handsomeness.”

“That’s funny.” Changkyun smiled.

“He always said it was his greatest weapon.”

“I think I would like him.”

“I think he’d like you too.”

"But I’m bad, I want the end of all he holds dear.”

“Do you Changkyun?” Kihyun’s hand wipes no more tears, but just rests lightly on his cheek, “Do you?”

The air goes silent around them, and Changkyun sits up in the grass. He looks at Hakyeon’s grave, hoping he’ll find the answer there. Hakyeon used to be so good at making his reasoning make sense.

_Do you?_

He finds no answers, only more silence.

 

* * *

 

 

When Changkyun founds out what the Separatists have planned, his heart drops through his chest.

He hears it through a political official who heard it from a higher ranking political official who heard it from someone who is dead from having heard it in the first place. He doesn’t believe it at first, not really, how could the Jedi’s own soldiers become their own destruction? The irony is almost too much to bear.

But the thought stays, that it could happen. And every time he thinks of it it sends an icy chill down his spine, and he’s not sure if it’s good chills or bad chills. Since Hakyeon died, he has largely been working as the Separatists errand boy, traveling back and forth between planets where his skills are needed. All the time on his own gives him much time to think, and all he can think about is where Kihyun will be when the world goes to hell.

His fears manifest one night, when the nightmares and the visions become too much, and he summons Kihyun to him. Kihyun comes when he calls, he always has.

When Changkyun sees the other boy, he feels his heart seize up at the overwhelming relief he feels at the fact that this man is still here, still breathing; flesh and blood.

“The war will be over soon. You need to leave Kihyun, go far away.” Changkyun is begging, and Hakyeon would spit at the mere thought of seeing his apprentice so weak.

“And how do you know that?” Kihyun laughs.

“I can’t tell you Kihyun but just- just be ready? You’ll know what I mean when it happens but just, I just need you to be ready. It will be soon, and the Jedi are not expecting it.”

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were worried about me.”

Changkyun opens his mouth, and then closes it again. Words will only betray him more in this moment, and he is already dead if anyone finds out about the betrayal he is committing right now.

_Hakyeon’s golden boy._

Kihyun must see the grave look on Changkyun’s face, because he stops laughing.

“You don’t need to _worry_ Changkyun, the Jedi are strong. We’ll give you a run for your money.” Kihyun says it with a wink, and Changkyun wants to scream. Feels his chest close to bursting with the pressure of what he aches to say.

He wants to shake him by the shoulders, wants to show him what he’s seen, wants to yell over and over again until he understands the curse that is the hubris of the all mighty and all powerful Jedi: _you will die. They will kill all of you._

He wants to say: _they can all die, but please, I need you to live._

But instead he says nothing at all, and holds Kihyun tight as they make love that night. He presses his fingers just a little bit harder into that beautiful skin, digs in nails just enough to bruise. He leaves marks, promises in the shape of his fingerprints. He kisses his hips and his neck and his belly and his thighs over and over again as the older pants above him. He whispers half formed assertions into the dark long after Kihyun is asleep and won’t hear them. _You’re beautiful, you’re a good person, don’t die, I want to see you live a thousand lifetimes._

He doesn’t sleep that night, but instead lies beside him and listens to the other breathe. Trying to commit it to memory in case he never hears it again.

 

* * *

 

The universe is burning, and he is watching.

He thinks of Hakyeon, this is what he wanted after all. The end of the Republic. And a part of him laments the fact that his master was not able to see it. He had said it would be beautiful.

It is not beautiful.

He can feel death in the force, and it is not beautiful. Instead, it was as though you had been sitting in a well lit room for so long that your eyes had forgotten what the darkness felt like, then someone had turned out the lights. He felt blinded, felt millions of lights blinking out of existence, and it was not beautiful. It was empty.

He tried, to reach out for Kihyun. Reach out for wherever he may be in this solar system or the next or the next, but it was in vain; for the chaos was too great to be able to discern his from the others. But he hopes, desperately, hysterically, longingly, that Kihyun heeded his warning. That when death called for him he fought against it and survived.

During those days, he ends up going back to the planet that he was trained on. In the dark of the night with the sounds of the water lapping against the bay, he thinks a lot about how things could have gone. He imagined what would have happened if Hakyeon had not found him, had not taken him from his parents so young and trained him and taught him and made him into this disaster of a weapon that he is. He wonders if he would have been a Jedi instead, if he would have walked into the temple and seen a boy a few years older with ash gray hair training and he wonders if he would have had his breath taken away just as he did in this existence. Or moreover, he wonders if he would have not. If he would have passed by the boy without a second glance, and they would have never become entangled the way they did in this life.

In this life, Changkyun does not think he will ever be redeemed.

There has been too much blood, too much war, too much of this fight for peace. Changkyun is poison. The force is poison. He could have warned more Jedi, but would they have believed him? Did Kihyun believe him?

Useless questions, he thinks. Hakyeon always told him to not ask useless questions.

In his heart of hearts, he thinks Kihyun is dead. Hakyeon would have been overjoyed.

He watches the water, and some nights he thinks he sees a body floating on its calm surface. Some days it’s Kihyun, some days it’s that first Jedi. Sometimes it’s a terrifying combination of both. Some days it is none of them but others. Others whose deaths were not as significant, but whose lives no longer exist because of him just the same. His demons all lay in those waters, and he swims in them every evening.

Changkyun can’t find the exact spot, but he ends up burying his lightsaber in the beaches of this planet. He hopes that where ever that first Jedi is, she somehow knows what he did. The lightsaber was never his to begin with.

He doesn’t need it anymore.

 

* * *

 

 

When Kihyun finds him again, it is not dramatic or awe inspiring; it is not as though the heaven’s opened or the sky fell, but instead like the calm of coming home after a long day at work. The bone deep reassurance that you can finally relax. Changkyun sees him, and registers him walking towards him, and his mind screams at him that he is hallucinating. He doesn’t believe it even when he touches him, he doesn’t believe it even when he speaks to him in that melodic voice he treasures so much, and not even when he falls to his knees in overwhelmed emotion; sobs ripping their way out of his throat. Kihyun holds him through it, steadfast and steady; understanding.

Kihyun walks with a limp now, and Changkyun doesn’t ask how that happened. Those are scars and stories for another day; Changkyun has them too. It’s his left leg, and it drags behind him as he takes steps, it looks painful but Kihyun doesn’t complain about it and Changkyun admires his strength. They are not children of war, no, that would be too simple. They are instead the survivors. The fighters of a war that was not won, but that was brutally ceased. Changkyun tries to think of words to say, questions to ask, space to fill all the moments that he has missed him. But all he can do is hug Kihyun as tightly as he can and whisper brokenly, “I was so sure you were dead.”

“No,” Kihyun had smiled weakly, “I told you, I’d give them a run for their money.”

Changkyun’s question is muffled against the worn fabric of Kihyun’s clothes,“How did you find me?”

“The force always finds a way. I just followed where it told me to go.”

Changkyun knows now, that he will spend the rest of his life finding ways to thank the universe for returning this gift to him. For giving his life, so full of wrong and of death and of blood, this shining light who could bring back the darkness.

“What do we do now?”

It seems almost cruel of him to ask Kihyun that. Kihyun, whose people have now been erased; whose every friend, every mentor, and every apprentice is now void from existence. He remembers how he had smiled when he had talked of Seokjin, and that memory is so tender now. There is no way to calculate the weight, no way to express the sheer tragedy of the knowledge that there is no way to bring them back. Kihyun is all Changkyun had, but he never had others to begin with. Changkyun is all Kihyun has _left_ , and that can never be rectified.

In his eyes, Changkyun can see the ghosts that haunt Kihyun, and he knows it’s reflected in his own gaze as well. Kihyun seems to ponder the question, and then he nods, but the nod does not seem to be to Changkyun; but rather to himself. As though he is speaking not only to either of them, but also to someone beside him, within him, all around them in the force.

“We live Changkyunnie, we live.”

**Author's Note:**

> anyway i headcanon them as living the rest of their lives as gray jedi's who aid the rebels and love eachother and support eachother through all their trauma 12/10 space husbands 
> 
> also the separatists won and the republic fell and the jedi were largely wiped out which is what you see in the last few scenes. the plan changkyun finds out about is order 66, which is where the clone troopers that the jedi fought with turn against them and murder everyone. 
> 
> also for any star wars fans who may question my bending of the universes rules, to get around the rule of two for the context of the story it's that hakyeon was a sith but not a sith lord, and he didn't deal directly with palpatine and dooku but was much more of an idealistic fanatic who worshiped them before he died 
> 
> as always, i love comments to death and also love star wars to death and ALSO love monsta x to death so if anyone has anything to say please just put it down and i'd be delighted to read and answer! 
> 
> thank you for reading, kudos are always appreciated. have a nice day!


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